Don’t Cut the Back

Is that short enough in the front? Yes, that’s short enough, now I can see without all that hair in my eyes. What about the back? Ehh, I don’t have eyes in the back of my head, so don’t cut the back. Don’t cut the back? Don’t cut the back.

Wake up. School next morning. Guys I barely talk to pat me on the back. Nice haircut, Max! What a change! Girls I talk to give me weird stares. The kind of stare as if I just got out of a head-on collision car crash and made it out alive. Some girls start giggling. Some guys start whispering. Some girls start rolling their eyes. Some guys start giving me high-fives. I am thoroughly confused.

Walk over. Class next period. Same thing happens again. Yo, Max, you look like the Asian Billy Ray Cyrus! Who is Billy Ray Cyrus? The country singer? How do I resemble him? Some girls gasp. Some guys cheer. Classmates suddenly start singing Billy Ray Cyrus songs. Teacher gives me a weird glance. Someone please tell me what’s going on.

Run over. Class next period. Same thing. Some girls smirk. Some gu–STOP. What’s going on?! Grab friend by the shoulders. Kayleigh, tell me, what is wrong with my hair? Your mullet, Max, duh. Mullet? She pulls out her phone. She googles mullet. Pictures of Billy Ray Cyrus fill the screen. Short in front, long in back. I see how I resemble the Asian Billy Ray Cyrus.

Now, for the record, I didn’t know what exactly mullets were. All I knew was that they were undesirable haircuts that people back in the day used to have. I didn’t specify for a mullet. In fact, when I walked out with that new haircut, I thought I was unique because I never saw anyone with my kind of hair: short in front, long in back. I now realize that there’s a reason why I never saw anyone with a mullet.

The immediate advice from some of my friends was to chop off the back. Some girls offered to bring scissors to school, but I didn’t succumb to peer pressure. Instead, I let it stay, and because of that, my hair attracted much controversy. Never before have I garnered so much attention from a haircut. Because it was such an iconic haircut, a sort of stigma enveloped me. People thought I was more cool and crazy.

After a while, the back started getting wild and coming around the sides. In hindsight, I probably should have killed the country singing demon before it got out of control. Eventually, though, I cut it. And to distance myself from that mullet phase, I cut it very short. Sighs of relief came from all of my friends. Some guys were disappointed, sad to see the great iconic haircut die. Some girls were elated, glad to actually look at me now. But was it worth it? I like my normal haircut where people won’t constantly question it, but when I do feel like garnering more attention, I will don the mullet.